Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Edition One: In a bathroom at a wedding
This is a step-by-step post that will ensure you will socialize gloriously at all nuptial celebrations.
This is a step-by-step post that will ensure you will socialize gloriously at all nuptial celebrations.
- Get tipsy. This can be done successfully, even with a cash bar (consider Pabst's) or a liquor-free bar (consider making friends with the bartender so that they will just give you the whole bottle of wine for expediency's sake).
- Find an excuse to enter the bathroom. From personal experience, I find that it is best to find an excuse that does not require the actual use of facilities. In this way, you are relieved from the embarrassment of performing bathroom-related duties, and you have more time for making friends. At my last reception, I was fortunate to find the excuse of searching for an errant bridesmaid. Later, it was found that she was not in the bathroom at all, but in the kitchen dealing crack out of her clutch.
- Accost your middle school art teacher. Truthfully, it doesn't have to be your middle school art teacher. It could, in fact, be your college roommate's grandmother, or an usher, or anyone who looks vaguely familiar and/or helpless.
- Reminisce. With my art teacher, I found it helpful to intimately shout, "You taught me about pointillism!"
- Leave the bathroom without performing bathroom duties. This is only successful if you do not reveal your supposed motive for entering the bathroom in the first place. You must follow your new friend to the dance floor, so that they sense the sincerity of your friendship, and wonder if you have forgone peeing in order to pursue it.
- Get distracted by the vision of the crack-dealer bridesmaid dancing with your date. This distraction solidifies your new friendship, because it shows that you have other friends, which is very important when forming new friends.
- Take leave of your newfound friend with a, "Yeah, see ya." This is not disrespectful, but, on the contrary, indicates a certain familiarity.
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2 comments:
Excellent post. My experience has shown overwhelmingly that single men at weddings like to find dance partners from the ladies' room queue. They, apparently, do not make the connection that most of these women have to pee-- which makes dancing rather uncomfortable (unless you like to live on the edge). Therefore, I recommend that single women queue for the loo at least twice as often as nature would dictate, thereby decreasing your odds of performing the actual pee pee dance by 50%.
This is an applicable idea, and much appreciated.
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